Quote #3: "Are you going to be here when we graduate? Are you going to be here next year to help us out?" - PM I got this huge knot in my stomach when one of the guys in my last period class asked me these questions. I absolutely LOVE my students! I never could have imagined feeling this way about a group of 200 15 year-olds, it is pretty much indescribale. I can only say that these students mean the world to me. I try my best to separate my work life from my personal life but sometimes I don't want to. I like the fact that my students want to stay after and talk to me for two hours and I like the fact that, even though they act like they do not like my class, they want to come in and spend time with me between their classes. Basically, I am personally invested in seeing my students succeed and be the best they possibly can be. When they do not meet their potential I take it personally and it breaks my heart.
Right now, I have already lost a number of amazing students because they have moved mid-year and tranferred schools. While I miss them all, there are a few that really struck a cord with me. It was like getting the wind knocked out of me. I have kept tabs on these students since the beginning: I have had meetings with their coaches, I have talked with their parents, I have escorted them to class when I caught them skipping....I have kept pushing them. And now they are no longer under my watch, I no longer know what they are doing or if they are succeeding. I do not mean to make this seem like my students keep me up at night with worry and remorse. I just love seeing them everyday and feel connected to them and it is this feeling that worries me for next year. Because if I feel this way after only losing a few of my students, what is it going to be like when I leave hundreds of them?
While I love my students, I do not intend on teaching for another year after my two year commitment. I would burn myself out, mentally and physically. I am far too passionate for my own good (in ALL areas of my life) and I knew my passion would be a problem when I started this job after only teaching in Atlanta for a few weeks. I try not to think that I have a large impact on these students, I do not want to give myself that much credit nor seem that "full of myself", it is easier to think you mean nothing than to admit you might be letting a lot people down about a year and a half down the road. Another issue I struggle with is the fact that the class I run is pretty much centered around me. Which isn't all that bad, I mean I get to tell my kids that the world really does revolve around me, but I have basically created a class where I am the main "selling point" so what happens when I am gone? I am all for someone coming in and running things more efficiently and structured, but I have seen other teachers' classrooms and I want to make sure who ever takes over my post will do a far better job than I do and not a worse one! Do you see what I mean about caring too much? This is why I have to leave because if I don't I never will.
I know that it will be incredibly difficult to leave these students in a year and half however I should let this concern fuel me to create a rock-solid curriculum for this course. So that when I leave I know that students will be able to succeed and learn important information. The reason I am posting this now is because the questions from my students have already started to come and the past term flew by so I know that the next year and a half is going to come and go like a split second. I know that leaving my first group of students is going to be incredibly difficult and heartbreaking and that is the reason I am preparing for it now.
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