When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit

Quote #12: "Ms. Broome is my favorite teacher. She has made me nothing but a stronger student." - LM I am soooooo thankful I am not a crier, otherwise I would have been bawling the last two days of school. This quote is from a letter one of my students gave me on the last day of school before she got on the bus to go home and it was the perfect end to nine months of exhausting, heart-wrenching work in the classroom. It also served as some small validation that I am not a complete failure in the classroom. Teaching a "life skills" elective course is a lot different than a core subject; I can't see the tangible progress my students are making like I would be able to if I taught math or reading. Every time they got into a fight, skipped class, earned an "F" in a class, or cussed out a teacher it was like a small jab at my class, so it was nice to know that something I said or did at least reached a few of these kids.

It is easy to forget the small victories and get bogged down by all the crap that goes on in the classroom and the larger school building. And it is far too easy to not realize you are changing one kid's life while you are trying to get the attention of 20 other students. But I remember applying for Teach for America and thinking I couldn't be important to all my students but I just wanted to have a positive influence on a couple: I lost sight of this goal more than once during the school year. It is difficult for me not to become over-invested in all my students, as I have said before I have a tendency to feel too much sometimes, and not to feel hurt when I see them messing up and hurting themselves and their future. However, this letter, and a couple other gifts my students gave me, brought me back to what I believed when I started this job: that I could be a friend to some of my students but to 95% of them I will just be their teacher and that's how it should be.

Everything has changed so much in the past nine months and after adjusting to this new city and my new job I finally feel like my old self and I cannot wait to get back into the classroom next year! I am so grateful for all my family and friends who were with me at the beginning of this adventure. And if I vented to you at any point or had a mini-meltdown over the phone or sounded exhausted/haggard at any point, just know that it was all worth it, I was able to have a positive impact because of your support, and thank you for being there for me.

So that's pretty much it for this school year. No social commentary or particularly insightful message, just a big "thank you" to everyone who supported me and made this huge change easier. I might blog over the summer a little bit since I didn't get around to talking about everything I wanted to this year, like racial tensions, sex in school, and the newspaper articles that were written about my school. But, at the same time, I might just go outside and have a good time, I'll keep you posted! :)

No place for the weary kind

Quote #11: "My uncle says that a lot of people mess up their freshman year and that they can, like, start over, fresh, next year." - BH We had 5 days left of school when one of my students uttered this proclamation during my first period class. Within the last week of school attendance has dropped significantly and students have decided that they should not be expected to do anything. In my class, my students have begun the process of reflecting on this past year and trying to draw lessons from mistakes in, what seems like, a futile attempt on my part to get them to NOT repeat history next year. It was during a discussion on the topic of reflection and not quitting high school just because you messed up freshman year that my student made the above comment. As the end of the year draws near it is a bittersweet ending.

I worry about my students for next year and the likelihood that they will become discouraged with school, give up, and drop out. As the school year has drug on I have seen their grades drop and their work ethic plummet. They are tired and feel defeated; thank goodness summer is upon us! However, what if they feel like this at the end of each year? Or what if they become more tired and weary of school as the years go on? School does not come easy for a lot of my students, they have to work at it every day...they have to work at paying attention to lecturing teachers, ignoring the drama that other kids start, not letting themselves be swayed by bad examples and distractions, breaking bad habits like not doing any homework, and dealing with other students and teachers who might otherwise prevent them from learning. They have a lot of components working against them.

I am not saying that my students are perfect, some days (screw that, most days) they do not give me or their other teachers the effort that we all know they possess. However, if I could decide between my students passing high school with C's when they can earn A's or dropping out, I would always choose the former and, I think, most people would agree with me. But how can you tell a student that everything is working against them, yet you expect them to continue on regardless. "I expect you not to become tired, I expect you not to get worn down, I expect you to push on, I expect you to do what, potentially, no one else in your family could do..." Well, the answer is that you have to tell them this with such fervor that they truly know that you believe it with your entire being. And this is what I do not know if I accomplished this year, and it really concerns me, this is what keeps me up at night.

I do not know if my students have been told enough that they can and WILL succeed in high school. I do not know if my students intrinsically believe they can do "this", and by "this" I mean high school. Because if they do not know these few things and, in some small way, believe them, then what is to keep them from dropping out? I have talked before about the shit my students go through, the personal drama that would make suburban kids break down and seek therapy for years. Well, if my students can deal with that extra stuff then they need to know that high school should seem like cake compared to seeing their friend shot when they were 13, having their drugged-out mother abandon them, running away from home, or being homeless. My students are tough but they don't see this toughness as an asset in the classroom and, I think, it is one of the main things they have going for them. If you are so tough you can survive getting out of a gang, then you should be able to pass my class. I will emphasize this more next year, but, in terms of my current students, I am really worried about what next year holds for the incoming sophomores.

Digging yourself into a hole you can't get out of

Quote #10: "Ms. Broome, can I get my make-up work?" - VW and KW The year is coming to an end (we only have about 4 more weeks left, ahhhhh!!!!) and some of my students are freaking out about their grades. We have been in this new semester for a little under 16 weeks and some of my students are just NOW beginning to freak out, it's so ridiculous. The two students I mentioned above came and saw me on Tuesday wanting some make up work to bring their grades up. Their percentages in my classroom where 12% and 9%, needless to say they both have REALLY solid "F"s. Then we looked over their attendance together and found that one had 25 absences and the other had 22 absences! This does not include tardies, which were numerous, and could mean they showed up anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes late! I looked at them and had to be honest and tell them that there really was no way that they were going to pass my class. I cannot re-teach huge unit projects we spent 5 weeks on because these students chose to skip and did not bother to get make-up work the day after they missed.

Then these same students asked if there was some way I could bump them up to a "D" through some sort of make-up assignments I gave them. Now look closely, because that last sentence exemplifies the disconnect my students have between their education and their grades. Grades are something teachers give to them, grades are subjective, and can be given out on a whim. I have told my students multiple times that I base my grades off percentages and have been VERY transparent about my grading system...but maybe these two students skipped that class period. Upon this grade request, I told my students that I would not "give" them any grade, that they would have to make up all the work that they were missing in order to pass. And in a very blunt response, I told them that it was unfair of me to give them false hope of passing because trying to make up 16 weeks of work while completing current assignments is impossible. It was a lose-lose situation: they either started freaking out or got mad and I felt like I had this huge knot in my stomach, as if I was the bad guy in this situation!

In the midst of all of this, I couldn't help but connect it to the larger problem of individuals not being held accountable or responsible for the mess they get themselves into. We always think that someone is going to forgive us or bail us out. It's almost American to fuck up (excuse my language) and expect to not be held accountable. We can spend as much as we want and declare bankruptcy, gorge ourselves on food and get gastric bypass surgery, consume as much as we want and ship our garbage to other countries, or not pay attention in school and then expect our teachers to let us make up work. There is a prevailing sense of entitlement in this country and it has to stop! Now I am not saying that I am going to fix it in the classroom by not allowing my students to make up work, but it has to start somewhere!

Many people are going to claim this sense of responsibilty/accountability should start at home but with so many adults in debt and living beyond their means how do we expect our kids to develop any different habits? Maybe school is where it should start. It is going to be a rough adjustment for some students, with many kids feeling like they are being "picked on" or thinking that their teachers are "unfair", but after a few years this trend might start to catch on. Talk about remedial life skills! A lot of adults don't understand that there are consequences for their actions therefore it is going to require quite a "salesman" to get kids to buy into this idea of personal accountability.

I felt absolutely horrible for telling my students they were going to fail my class. I kept thinking that their failure was my fault; I should have intervened earlier, I should have sought them out to give them make up work, I should have called their parents, etc. But, in the end, this type of thinking will only wear me out, the failure rate is something I can work at in the future, AND it does boil down to my students' every day academic choices. They might only be kids making dumb decisions, let's face it you make some REALLY stupid choices between the ages of the 15-19 years old, but at some point in time they will have to learn accountability. And isn't it better to be first exposed to this lesson in a class that, honestly, doesn't really count towards graduation requirements, rather than a class or job where the stakes are higher?

While I feel like the monster in this story, I know deep down that these students need to understand that sometimes you dig yourself into a hole so deep that you bury yourself.

What happens when you have nothing in common with your own race?

Quote #9: "Move your stanky ass!" - LM I hear this quote on a daily basis from my girls when they are telling someone to move and is just one of those comments that is a part of the vernacular at Manual. And it is part of a conversation that I am just now beginning to feel a part of. Manual is not like the other IPS schools in terms of its racial breakdown and this is what I would like to talk a little bit about. Most of my students are white, however our skin color is where our commonalities end. Just as a forewarning this is not a post about racial tensions (that's for another day) and I am not sure I can give this topic the due credit it deserves, I might fall far short of eloquence, but I will try.

Many people are surprised to find out that 65% of my students are white, 25% African-american, and 10% Hispanic. These numbers fall far short of the stereotypical image that creeps into people's heads when they think about inner-city schools. It is true that minority students are more likely to be grade levels behind their white peers in school and many minority students attend urban, inner-city schools. Therefore, this stereotype is not completely unfounded. However, I ended up in an unique situation this year where I am a part of the ethnic majority and cultural minority and this experience has opened my eyes A LOT!

At institute, TFA held a lot of diversity sessions for its corps members. There is a fear that with so many middle to upper-class, white teachers going into inner-city schools we will be culturally insensitive, biased, and unconsciously judgemental of our minority students and their families' backgrounds. And I think it is interesting that our diversity training focused around ethnicity instead of the larger umbrella of cultural differences. Ethnicity is not the only defining factor in cultural diversity yet people have tied the words "ethnicity" and "diversity" together so much that people begin to think of them as a package deal. Additionally, our differences in culture are not only defined by our ethnicity. We do not assume the white Americans are the same as white Europeans so why would we assume the middle-class, white Americans are similar to impoverished white Americans? Because we are all from the same country? Because we don't want to admit the class system that does exist in this country? Why don't we touch on this aspect in diversity training?

My year at Manual has been spent looking at students who are my skin color but live in a culture so foreign from the one I grew up in that I clearly see why there is so much political tension in this country. It is really difficult to describe this culture so I will just spell out a few things I have noticed that are completely different from the way I grew up.

1) People do not take care of themselves, physically. I was at a school baseball game the other day and 95% of the parents/guardians in attendance were obese and looked run down. They just did not look healthy whatsoever. These people looked like they had been eating processed or fast food all their life and they did not know how to live a healthy lifestyle. Which explains why their children act the same way.

2) Little kids cuss like sailors and act like they are grown adults. There is no rule that kids must act respectfully towards an adult just because that person is older or has an authority over them in any way. I have heard kids cuss out our school's librarian to her face; she is a 60-something ex-nun. Now I don't know about you but I would never have even dreamed of cussing someone out who was 50 years my senior! The only explanation I can give for this is that they learned the behavior from their parents, who may only be 15 years older than them. I heard a parent almost fight one of my freshmen because she didn't like what he was saying. On what planet does a grown woman fight a kid?!?

3) They know more about tax refunds, food stamps, gas money, sales taxes, etc. then I knew at their age and probably even now. My kids can tell me the difference between buying a hamburger at McDonald's on the northside versus southside of Indianapolis. They knew how much money their parents would get in tax returns and, therefore, what they believed their rightful share of that money was. One kid offered to sell me food stamps and I had to give another a ride home because his friend's dad didn't have enough gas money to drive him home. These are all things I did not and, presently, do not have to worry about, yet they are every day realities for my students.

4) Violence, injury, and death seem to be natural parts of life that are not expected but are dealt with on a daily basis and are so common that they have lost their shock factor. I took an informal poll of my classes the other day and in EVERY class 75-90% of the kids had seriously punched someone (not in a "messing around" kind of way) AND had been hit by someone else. I shouldn't have been surprised by this but it was a little overwhelming. When I said that I had never hit another person or been hit my students couldn't imagine a world where someone didn't want to hit me or mess with me enough that I would want to right hook them. A week or so ago one boy from our high school was "car hopping" (breaking into cars and stealing what was inside), the owner of a car caught him while he was robbing it, and shot him four times. The boy died...and we continued on at school like nothing happened. One boy was gone for a day and then told me he was at the hospital because his grandfather had gotten jumped, beaten up, and mugged the night before. His response to all of this was "people are silly".

All these stories come from my observations of my white students, however I have heard similar stories from my black and hispanic students as well. I think individuals want to feelconnected to those around them and if you do not know a person then the easiest way to find common ground is based on similarities in appearance, race/ethnicity being the most obvious. It would be like if three strangers stood before you and only one belonged to your race, you might naturally be inclined to approach them because you figure "well we at least look the same so we can use that as a jumping off point to find more similarities". But what I would challenge people to do is steer clear of this type of thinking as much as humanly possible. I love all my students however I get along with some better than others based on the type of people we are. And what I have found is that the students I can talk to for hours has everything to do with their character and personality and nothing to do with their race.

This might seem like a relatively obvious conclusion to come to however I wonder how truthful individuals are with themselves about the influence race has on their minds? Some people have commented on how it must be easier or, my personal favorite, nicer for me to be teaching students who look like me. The only thing I can say to these people is that there is nothing easy about it and I would even argue that it is more difficult than teaching only minority students would be. As I mentioned with TFA's diversity training, no one expects me to have anything in common with minority students but what if I don't have anything in common with the "majority" students? It is these assumptions about racial similarities transpiring into cultural similarities that I am fighting on a daily basis and have readjusted the lens through which I view the world and the people who are a part of it.

What will I be teaching next year?

(Note: this week's blog quote does not come from a student, I tried to think of one but the topic I wanted to talk about has nothing to do with my students)

Quote #8: "Did you get RIFT'ed?" - many teachers. I should begin by explaining that "RIFT" means "reduction in teaching force", which actually makes no sense because that mean that the abbreviation should read RITF but people say RIFT'ed and I have chosen not to question the Midwest's choice of abbreviations. Reducing the teaching force means that the school has to make cuts and they need to lay off some of the teachers. This happened to a lot of teachers last year, however it doesn't look like the same layoffs will be necessary this year. There are necessary budget cuts but the school district has decided that it will not replace retiring teachers instead of laying off teachers. Needless to say, when RIFTing occurs the newest teachers are at the bottom of the totem pole and, therefore, are the first to go.

To get the point of this blog, I kept getting asked this question because of a meeting I had with my school administrators and news/rumors travels fast in the school. To clarify, I was not laid off at this meeting, instead I was told that the funding that paid for my job was being decreased and therefore I was most likely going to be transferred to another school within IPS next year. So, I would have a job but it would not be at Manual High School. This is still up in the air because they are putting a special request in for me to teach life skills again since I am the only one that can teach it. I have no idea when I will know what school I will be teaching at next year or what subject I will be teaching (it will either be reading, life skills, or language arts) but I hope that it is soon.

When I heard this news I had mixed feelings about it. While I love my freshmen and love the freedom that comes with teaching an elective class, I have always been a little resentful that I am not teaching a "real" subject. A "real" subject being science, math, language arts, reading, etc. While electives are extremely important and add to the balance of a student's life, my students cannot read or do basic algebra and, therefore, it is difficult for me to see the point in them coming to my class when they cannot read at grade level. I know that my students love my class because I am more relaxed and we have a great relationship but just think what I could do with my personality and a REAL subject. My students do not go to their classes simply because they do not like the teacher, so the potential impact of having a class of students show up to math because they like me is huge.

While I like the possibility of teaching a real subject, there are many problems with this potential move. My students expect me to be there next year and at a time when a lot of students are leaving to go to different schools, I feel like I am abandoning my students. Additionally, I spent this entire year creating this class and it sucks that I might have to learn a whole new curriculum for next year. It will be almost like starting over at square one. I will have the classroom management experience and will know my "teaching style" but I will have an entire new classroom. The second year is suppose to be easier and with this potential shift I do not think it will be one bit easier, it may be just like doing my first year all over again.

It's all speculation at this point in time but it will be interesting to see where I end up next year.

Things are looking up...

Quote #7: "Ms. Broome, you make his heart smile." - JC This is just one of the many ridiculous quotes that come from my boys in my last period class. Three days prior these boys also serenaded "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" to me during class. This period used to be my worst and, don't get me wrong, some days they can really try my patience but the fact that these students want to come to class now, help out around my classroom, and are doing their work is a major achievement. It is just one of many things that have changed for the better in my classroom.

In all honesty, I have no idea what has really changed. Maybe I know the students better, maybe they know me better, my students might have matured a little, I might have relaxed a little bit, or maybe it's a combination of all the above. But, regardless, some extreme changes have occurred in my classroom and these changes are making my classroom even more fun for these last two months of school. The students that have always been great are still amazing and hard-working but the students who use to give me hell, for some unknown reason, have decided I am not half bad and just want to joke around with me as opposed to fight with me. I don't mean to boast, but I have become so popular with my students that I am finding it difficult to enforce lunch detention because my students like spending their lunch time with me; it is no longer a punishment!

These changes in my classroom have taught me a few things. Namely, that I should not get discouraged with my students because no matter where they begin in my class you never know where our relationship is going to be at the end of the year. I need to remember this for next year when I have to start building these relationships all over again but I am hoping that my next year students and I get to the place I am at right now a little before March. I have never doubted the role humor plays in the classroom but I have learned that kids just want to play around. I think that many of my students are under the impression that class time and fun are antonyms. However, the minute that they realize they can have fun while doing their work it completely alters their way of thinking and all of a sudden they will do whatever you ask them because they know, in some way, that it will be fun. Even if the activity or assignment isn't one of the most exciting (I mean, let's face it, something like word processing skills isn't incredibly enthralling) my students no longer give me trouble because we can joke around and have a good time doing something a little boring.

This year is wrapping up quite nicely! I can't wait for my students to be sophomores next year and to meet my newest group of freshmen!

Life skills after hours...when the REAL learning takes place

Quote #6: "Ms. Broome, so I liked this guy and we were hanging out but he told me that he didn't want to be anyone's boyfriend right now. But then like a week later he was ------'s boyfriend!" - DD After hearing this statement, I subsequently went into the book closet I have in my classroom pulled off my personal copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" (yes, I have that book in my classroom), handed it to the girl, and proclaimed, "sweetheart, I just saved you years of wasting your time!"

For the first few months of school, I had no real desire to stay after school at all. Once 2:30 hit I was, hopefully, out of there by 3, 3:30 at the latest. Why would I stay after school when all I wanted to do was go home and take a nap? My attitude has changed dramatically. The time I spend after school with my students is some of my most valuable time. If I end the school day on a bad note, I WANT to stay after school because I know the students that stay after with me will brighten my mood. I could have ended the day ready to hit someone, but after spending an hour with these kids I have renewed faith in my job. After school the line between student and teacher is blurred. Not in terms of who is in control and who is the "mature" adult but because we are teaching one another. I learn mountains of information from these kids after school and I am able to teach them blunt and honest life skills. So I would like to write about what my students have taught me....

1) People will never cease to shock you. It might take awhile to break them and get them to open up but once they do, if they do, what they tell you will probably blow you away. I was struggling to get this one boy "D" to write his college application essay. He didn't turn it in and decided to stay after school and I had to continually ask him questions to get him to think about a person or experience that influenced him. FINALLY, he looked up from his paper and said "well....my house got destroyed in Florida and that's why I am up here." Turns out, he house was obliterated by Hurricane Wilma and he witnessed the entire thing from a hurricane shelter. Needless to say, he now has a topic for his essay. But once this little fact spilled we couldn't get him to stop talking. I brought up gangs because I wanted to be "in the know" and not feel like students were ever pulling one over on me. I came to find out that his father is in prison in Florida, both his parents were members of a gang, and he, himself, grew up in the gang in Florida until he moved to Indianapolis. This is a small, skinny, white kid who cannot be any taller than 5'3"...just in case you were wondering.

2) Students at my school are having way too much sex and abstinence-only education is not doing shit for these students. A few days ago one of my pregnant students stayed after school with a few others and we all got to talking about pregnancies in the school. There have been at least half a dozen freshmen who have been pregnant already and those are only the ones I know about. If a girl disappears, for all I know it is just as likely that she is pregnant as she transferred schools. Furthermore, the girls I know about are just freshmen, not the countless upper-classmen who are walking around preggers. Even with all these pregnancies there will not be as many babies born, the majority of these girls have miscarriages. Their bodies are not ready to handle babies, plus they do not know how to take care of themselves and keep their body healthy enough to nourish a fetus. For example, one girl who miscarried ate hot cheetos and sprite for lunch. She could have eaten the food at the school, at least school lunch has to meet some nutritional standards, but she likes junk food. It is times like these that make me so scared for the future of these girls. They just have NO idea....and they are hurting others in the process of making stupid life decisions.

3) The only way you are EVER going to connect with another person or establish any sort of relationship is by being genuine. I learn the most about my students after school simply because I get to let down my teacher personality a little bit. Everything is a little more relaxed. This all became abundantly clear when one of my girls told me "dang Ms. Broome, I didn't know you were this cool, I just thought you gave us a lot of work." This one sentence put everything in perspective for me. Next year I will be a lot more transparent with my students. Now, being genuine should not be confused with being a push-over. Students normally know when they are acting out of line and if they know you genuinely care about them they honestly won't put up too much of a fight when you discipline them. They know they are in the wrong but they are testing you and it is expected that you react in some way. Therefore, next year I will focus on being more strict from the get-go but making it VERY clear to my students that I care about all their successes, failures, and lives, in general.

The stories my students tell me make my life even more enjoyable then it already is. The fact that they WANT to share their lives with me makes me feel incredibly blessed. I think the fact that they feel so comfortable telling me about their lives is because I have told them so much about mine. They know I have a roommate with a dog, a younger brother who is a little bit of a nerd, they met my mom and step-dad, they know about my summer in Atlanta, my travels abroad, etc. The ONLY thing they don't know is my age and it drives them crazy, haha! I have lived a great life thus far and I can use my stories to let my students know that there is a HUGE world out there. I have always said that relationships need to be a two-way street and my after school study groups just reassure me that I am correct in my thinking. I like to think (even though I may be incorrect) that I add something to my students' lives and they add so much to mine. Let's just say we keep one another in check and call it a day :)