When it rains, it pours...

Quote #5: "She came from off her knees to walking on her feet." - RS This quote came from an essay one of my students wrote for an assignment in my class. The assignment was to write a mock college application essay. It was an ambitious goal, especially since most students are not introduced to this concept until they are juniors in high school but I wanted my students to know what preparing for college looks like now. They need all the help they can get and I knew they were smart enough to handle this task. Besides, as opposed to middle class, white, suburban kids who might write about their accomplishments and talents, my students had the potential to write really raw/powerful stories that depict a world in which young kids prove unusually resilient to what would otherwise tear individuals apart. I asked for emotionally powerful stories and that is exactly what I got. Hence the title, when it rains personal narratives, it pours...

This quote came from an essay about one girl's single mom and how her mom had motivated her and turned her into the hard-working and dedicated person she is today. My pile of graded papers is chalk-full of stories about single moms and dads. About moms who abandon their children for drugs and the children finding it in their hearts to forgive their parent and move forward because they believe family is the most important thing there is. Stories about moms who had four kids by the time they were 22, still finished school, and have instilled this work ethic in their children. Then there is the story about a girl's aunt committing suicide and leaving her daughter behind for others to take care of. My family means the world to me (blood relation or not) and to read these stories about families is particularly difficult. It makes me wonder why they decided to share these stories. I know I asked for personal stories however, as someone who isn't usually upfront about my personal life, it is difficult for me to understand what compels someone to spill their emotional baggage in an essay. Is it because they don't see anything unusual with the story they are telling? Their type of family tragedy is just so commonplace that they can nonchalantly describe it. Is it because they feel comfortable sharing information with me? Or is it because they just want to be heard? I don't expect to answer these questions but it is something to think about...

Many of these stories take place within the last year, some of them while the student has been in my class. But I don't see this side of the students, I see the talkative, goofy, sassy/smart ass, funny side of these kids. Unless they tell me, I have no idea what goes on at their home. You could take these stories and feel bad for the kids and use the stories as excuses for why they behave the way they do but I believe there are more useful emotions than sympathy: admiration and commitment. My students AMAZE me, they make any problems I have in my life look simple. What do I know of heartache? Or loss? Or living without something or someone in my life? There are days I do not feel amazing but these kids have excuses to make them fell shitty every day and they come to school regardless. Not only do they come to school but on most days they smile and laugh and joke around.

I have heard from multiple people that, as a teacher, you should pretty much make yourself seem crazy. Mostly because it freaks your students out and they don't know what you are capable of doing and, therefore, will live in a state of constant suspense and want to pay attention. However, I don't think we can underestimate the entertainment value that being crazy plays in the classroom. If I act like a complete fool and am just that "weird" teacher (which a lot of my students have commented on) I can normally get the students to laugh and at least enjoy my class. Now I do not mean to imply that this works for all students, I know some students do not like my class BUT I know some students really love it and I think acting crazy might help out my cause. After reading these stories, I don't think I will ever underestimate what we will call the "entertainment aspect" in making my students' days more enjoyable. If you have something shitty to go home to and look forward to going to school to see your friends, then why not make students want to come to school to see their teachers as well?

On my mama...

Ok, so, my students are going absolutely CRAZY and they still have about 7 more weeks until Spring Break. They are getting restless and this restlessness is manifesting itself in fights breaking out. We had 4 fights on Monday and another fight in the cafeteria BEFORE school started on Tuesday. This seemed like a perfect time to discuss violence at Manual, plus the latest quote said by a student.

Quote #4: "I don't wanna fight you. But if you mess with me, you'll get the best of me." - AS This quote came from a girl in my first period class who was trying, unsuccessfully by the way, to explain to me why fighting before school was the perfect time to fight. And I just thought this was the quintessential quote that sums up the students' views on violence at Manual. I have been taught my entire life that violence is never the answer and, in my opinion, I can make someone feel a lot worse with my words than I ever could by hitting them. So if the point of fighting is to hurt another person and get them to leave you alone, well I have been trained to accomplish this with words. But what if you did not have the vocabulary or cognitive ability to do this? What if you have been trained that violence is the last alternative but is always an acceptable method to deal with someone? What if you have so much anger about other things going on in your life that when someone starts messing with you all this previous anger is pushed over the edge by that one person and so you violent reaction really isn't a response to that particular situation but, instead, a response to everything else in your life?

Let's look a little more at these questions. While we might say violence is not the answer, very few people just let insults or bullying roll off their shoulders. Most people will at least insult the other person, try something passive-aggressive, or confront them. All of these options require the ability to express, in words, what you are feeling or thinking but some people, as a result of their education, might not have the practice or language skills necessary to do this. I had never thought of violence as a literacy issue, but isn't it? Non-violent communication is difficult for highly-educated people, many people still must have extensive practice in communication because the tendency is there to "shove it under the rug" or be passive-aggressive. But at least those who are well-educated might be able to find non-violent communication easier because they have the linguistic background needed to express their emotions after they have received the training to do so.

Now add a background of violence to a limited linguistic ability and is it any wonder that violence is not only tolerated but expected? When I was teaching my students a lesson on conflict resolution the first couple days we were going over the material were filled with comments like "well I would just hit him" or "I would teach her who she was messing with". It took two weeks to even get them to see that they could talk it out or that they should find out more information about a hearsay situation before they go beat the crap out of someone. However, in the end it seemed futile because they knew other ways to deal with their problems but they chose to use violence. They have seen violence work and I doubt that they have seen non-violent communication work nearly as effectively. Furthermore, their parents tolerate it. One girl smacked a guy in my class because he had whispered something to her as he walked by. I called both parents and the two students are no longer allowed to come into any contact with each other but the mom of the girl asked me "well what was my daughter suppose to do?" I signed up to teach high school students, I cannot teach parents conflict resolution.

And finally, we have to consider that these students' lives are tumultuous at home and this might manifest itself in fighting. If I am going hungry or do not know where I am going to live the next day and you start insulting me, I am probably going to want to just shut you up and move on. Some of these students just do not have the energy to deal with the drama outside of school, the work in the classroom, and then getting messed with. I am not trying to make excuses for these students, so what it the answer? In terms of dealing with students who are on the brink of violence, I think teachers need to make their classroom a safe-haven. This is why the classroom needs to be a comfortable place where students do not cuss at or hit each other. They might have to deal with this in the halls or at home but in the classroom violence should be a non-issue. I have done an "okay" job of making this happen but I need to do a lot better. Even if students are just joking around any sort of play-hitting should not be tolerated. These students need to figure out how to express themselves other ways and if I am relaxed on this point then I am just contributing to the problem.

You wouldn't think you would have to make the rule "no hitting" in a high school classroom but from now on and for next year I need to make this rule explicitly clear. Well, I now know what this week's goal is going to be. :)

The BIG question

Quote #3: "Are you going to be here when we graduate? Are you going to be here next year to help us out?" - PM I got this huge knot in my stomach when one of the guys in my last period class asked me these questions. I absolutely LOVE my students! I never could have imagined feeling this way about a group of 200 15 year-olds, it is pretty much indescribale. I can only say that these students mean the world to me. I try my best to separate my work life from my personal life but sometimes I don't want to. I like the fact that my students want to stay after and talk to me for two hours and I like the fact that, even though they act like they do not like my class, they want to come in and spend time with me between their classes. Basically, I am personally invested in seeing my students succeed and be the best they possibly can be. When they do not meet their potential I take it personally and it breaks my heart.

Right now, I have already lost a number of amazing students because they have moved mid-year and tranferred schools. While I miss them all, there are a few that really struck a cord with me. It was like getting the wind knocked out of me. I have kept tabs on these students since the beginning: I have had meetings with their coaches, I have talked with their parents, I have escorted them to class when I caught them skipping....I have kept pushing them. And now they are no longer under my watch, I no longer know what they are doing or if they are succeeding. I do not mean to make this seem like my students keep me up at night with worry and remorse. I just love seeing them everyday and feel connected to them and it is this feeling that worries me for next year. Because if I feel this way after only losing a few of my students, what is it going to be like when I leave hundreds of them?

While I love my students, I do not intend on teaching for another year after my two year commitment. I would burn myself out, mentally and physically. I am far too passionate for my own good (in ALL areas of my life) and I knew my passion would be a problem when I started this job after only teaching in Atlanta for a few weeks. I try not to think that I have a large impact on these students, I do not want to give myself that much credit nor seem that "full of myself", it is easier to think you mean nothing than to admit you might be letting a lot people down about a year and a half down the road. Another issue I struggle with is the fact that the class I run is pretty much centered around me. Which isn't all that bad, I mean I get to tell my kids that the world really does revolve around me, but I have basically created a class where I am the main "selling point" so what happens when I am gone? I am all for someone coming in and running things more efficiently and structured, but I have seen other teachers' classrooms and I want to make sure who ever takes over my post will do a far better job than I do and not a worse one! Do you see what I mean about caring too much? This is why I have to leave because if I don't I never will.

I know that it will be incredibly difficult to leave these students in a year and half however I should let this concern fuel me to create a rock-solid curriculum for this course. So that when I leave I know that students will be able to succeed and learn important information. The reason I am posting this now is because the questions from my students have already started to come and the past term flew by so I know that the next year and a half is going to come and go like a split second. I know that leaving my first group of students is going to be incredibly difficult and heartbreaking and that is the reason I am preparing for it now.

Yeah, that's right...I am still blogging

Quote #2: "Ms. Broome, you are going to be the death of me." - DG This quote came as a result of the fact that I kept persisting that a student of mine stay focused and be "on the ball" for the ENTIRE class period. I don't think it is unreasonable or even unexpected that a teacher should insist that a student give their "all" during class. Students should come in prepared to learn and strive to be better. I am not asking for excellence, but I asking for effort. And it is that "demand" for effort that made my student say that I would be the death of him. Which begs the questions: what are they doing in their other classes that makes my expectations so unreasonable?

Now, I don't want to discount the work of the other teachers in my building, but it is comments like these that make me believe that these IPS students are not being held to high enough standards/expectations. It is true what TFA had been telling us from the beginning...1)if you set the expectations high, students will rise to them and 2)the main reason there are behavior issues is because a student doesn't understand something, not because they are trying to be a bad kid. It is so difficult for me to hear other teachers discounting a student or expecting them to fail because "they just are that way". I think it is attitudes like this that the students bank on and, in their minds, justify their behavior. My students have told me that they are "just IPS kids" as a way to rationalize their behavior and make it seem like I am pushing them too hard, however I think that BECAUSE they are IPS kids they need to be pushed harder than most. They need to see what they are capable of and that their hard work will pay off and it does matter that they try to do well in school.

My room is decorated with huge amounts of color and I have a relatively complex rewards/consequences system for my students, plus I track their grades on my wall. It is WAY too much work, however what I have come to realize the point is behind it all is to give these kids some sort of immediate reward/recognition that their hard work and effort is important and will be rewarded. I think these students are so used to feeling like they cannot succeed no matter what that they need to know that when they do something right they are being recognized for that. If you have spent your entire education career being recognized only when you have done something wrong then you are going to act out in order to get attention. It takes a lot of work to break that habit and to show students that they will get more attention for doing the right thing or putting in the effort to get a good grade. And this is what I am working on right now; putting more effort into giving them small victories so that they can work their way up to major ones.

And to bring it back to the original quote, because I know I have gone on a little bit of a tangent, I am committed to making sure these kids are continually told when they are being the most amazing versions of themselves and not letting up on them when they are not living up to their capabilities. (The catch here is that neither they nor I know their capabilities, so I am just going to keep pushing and pushing them.) And if this means that I am "going to be the death" of some of them, well then maybe that part of them that uses IPS, their background, or the people they hang out with as excuses needed to "die".

Ok, let's try this again...

Now I know that it has been a LONG time between my blog posts but I got so wrapped up in teaching and sleeping that my time always seemed to be slipping away. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like I have no time, or not enough of it I should say, however the difference is about priorities and doing what makes me happy. Well I love being surrounded by others and being social and having amazing relationships but, unfortunately, many of my loved ones are not with me right now and that is why it makes sense to write this blog. I figure it is a way for people who cannot be here with me to still know what I experience, it's a way for me to share myself with others, and writing about what I see on a daily basis and the emotional rollercoaster that is life in Indianapolis is healthy.

One of the reasons I did not start this sooner was because I honestly didn't know where to begin. How do I start to spill my guts about the important things that are going on in my life without being overly cynical or depressing? Well folks, I now know the answer. This blog will center around the ridiculous comments that my students make which, on the surface, are hilarious and make my life so much more entertaining but if you look deeper these comments reveal a lot about the students and are applicable to life outside the classroom. So that's my story....and I'm sticking to it. Sorry that this post is going to be pretty long but just grin and bear it...

Quote Number 1: "Michael, when we graduate and live together, new rule: no girls over, we cannot be having any babies!" - TF This quote came during a lesson we were doing on the financial reasons to go to college. We laid out all the things you would have as monthly expenses and the kids saw very quickly how money can just disappear...like that! TF's outburst in class was absolutely the icing on the cake because at least the students are realizing some sort of life lesson.

I have had countless conversations with students about their procreation (yes, I did just use that word) habits and the habits of others they know and....let me tell you, it is shocking! If I fell into the "norm" that these kids experience I should have an 8 year-old by now; some of my students' moms are 29! (I am teaching high schoolers btw) I have had students tell me that they were going to miss my class period because they had to go take a pregnancy test or that, at 14 years old, condoms cramp their style and it doesn't matter if they father a child because they could just leave the state. And then there was the cherry on top when I found out one of my girls was pregnant and the reason another one had been missing was because she was out having her baby! WTF!?!

I have never considered myself a role model and I think it is particularly interesting that I ended up teaching a "life skills" class, since I feel like a hot mess most of the time. However, in this respect I think I can serve as an example of someone who does not align with their cultural norm. I am 23 years old, have no children, no fiance/husband, and have not come close to marriage...what is wrong with me? I like the fact that I don't make sense to these students, that I don't fit into how they thought the world operated, and that I might mess with their heads a little bit. Because, honestly, they mess with my world, haha. Any relationship you have in life shouldn't be one-sided and everyone needs to bring something new to the table; something that challenges you, adds to your life, etc. It's nice to know that my new student-teacher relationships are mutually beneficial.

All for now, deuces.....Melanie

Sir, I know she doesn't have her ID but we are in teacher "boot campp" and we NEED drinks NOW!

I have been in Atlanta, GA for two weeks now at teacher training and I don't even know where to begin!  I figure I should go over some of the basics.  I am living in an apartment-style dorm with three other girls.  We have a kitchen and a living room but our sleeping rooms actually do look like prison cells.  Which is pretty accurate for how I feel about my training on most weekdays.  

For those who don't know, I am "student teaching" at a middle school where I am teaching.... 8th grade math.  My reaction when I found this out went like the following: math? wait, what!? MATH!!!! fuck, are you serious?!  i haven't take math in 5 years and i haven't looked at 8th grade math in 10 years!  i don't even KNOW 8th grade math!  shit!

Once I got over that initial reaction I was able to to focus on teaching it a little more, however I have to continuously re-teach myself basic math concepts because I don't even remember how to do most of them.  However, I co-teach the class with three other girls and we definitely help keep each other sane....sometimes. 

When I talk to people the first thing they normally ask is "Is your training hard?"  My response to this, besides telling them that a future french teacher is teaching math, is to run them through my typical day and have them answer the question for themselves.  So, in that spirit....a typical workday looks like the following:

5:30 am - wake-up and get ready for the day - pretty much just drink A LOT of coffee and put on some clothes.

6:20 am - leave apartment, grab lunch at the cafeteria that I have to take with me to the middle school I teach at, and get on the bus that takes us to the school

6:40 am -  the bus leaves

7:00 am - we arrive at school and have an hour and a half to prepare our room before the kids arrive

8:30 am - the kids arrive and we have an hour to practice basic math skills

9:30 - 11 am - I am in workshops teaching me how to be a teacher 

11 - 12:30 - I prepare my classroom and teach an hour-long lesson on math

12:30 - 1:30 break

1:30 - 4:45 - I am in more workshops, lessons, etc. to learn how to be a teacher and lesson plan

4:45 - leave the middle school for the Georgia Tech campus

5:30 - 8 pm - one or more of the following will occur, dinner, sand volleyball, running errands, nap time

8 pm - 1 am - finalize lesson plans for the next day and work on lesson plans for the coming days

1 am - go to bed, maybe....get up and do it again

Needless to say, half way through our first week of teaching a couple of my co-workers and I decided we needed a drink.  Partly because it was my friend, Anna's, birthday and partly because we needed to get off campus and away from TFA.  And this is where the title of the blog comes in.  One of the girls had forgotten her ID and all we had to do was tell the bartender the kind of week we had been having and he was more than happy to get her a drink!

We have also found that red bulls and sleep deprivation make teachers incredibly entertaining to 8th graders.  Because as we have gotten crazier there has been more laughter in our classroom.

However, as hard and stressful as this might be I need to be serious for a second because I have finally come to realize how large the achievement gap is between students.  My 8th graders do not understand negative integers (they cannot solve -9 + 2), they can sometimes plot coordinate points, even if they know the right answer they can still get it wrong on a multiple-choice test because an equation is structured wrong, and they had never heard of a number line before this summer.  How have they gotten this far in school without knowing these skills?  It is not that they are stupid, because they can pick up concepts, but their minds just work in a different way or they don't think things through.

That's a little bit of what I am doing.  My next blog I will put a few more entertaining stories of what has been going on here, because we have had some good times :)

You must flee the house: My last 72 hours in Senegal!

Well folks, in what can only truly be described as a series of unfortunate events I am back home from Senegal 4 weeks early!!!! Oh yes, I began writing this blog in a hotel room in Dakar and am now finishing it at my house in Tualatin. So for my last blog entry let me relay what has occurred over the past 3 days. I apologize in advance for not doing a good job at being able to fully convey what actually happened but I will try.

Our 5-week program officially ended last Friday, however there were a number of people who were going to be staying anywhere from a week (my roommate, Erika) to a month (me) after the program was finished. We were assured it would be fine to remain in the house where we have been living these past 5 weeks and everything seemed to be in order. Dennis came and talked to us about the prices and what it would end up costing each person was 10 euro a night. The only exception to this price was myself, I was to get "some kind" of a discount because I was staying so long.

Ok so fast-foward to this Tuesday. Dennis was out of town but returning that night and packing because he would be leaving Dakar. During the day on Tuesday, we were told that we would be having a meeting with the dean of the school, Abdul, at 11 am to just finalize pricing. A man who has been helping the program the entire time, Hady, came to make sure we were up at 10:30 and said he would be back to pick us up. Well he didn't come back until after 1 pm and I had left the house to go run errands, therefore I did not get to go to the initial meeting but was assured that it was alright and that I really did not need to meet with the dean because Hady was the one who would be collecting the money anyways. Note here something interesting: we were not allowed to give money directly to the dean ourselves but had to go through an older male intermediary, therefore we were completely under the control of Hady's schedule but to what extent we were not aware at the time. Tuesday night there was a REALLY bad storm and the power went out.

Wednesday morning rolls around and still no power, which means the fridge is thawing and creating a lake in the kitchen and we have no internet as well. Hady came Wednesday morning to tell us that he would be taking us to an ATM to withdraw money to pay for rent, he would take that money to the dean, and then he would return with a receipt. There were quite a few problems however. Many people needed to check there accounts online to make sure that they would not be overdrafting, however this was impossible to do at that point due to the power situation. Additionally, there was still not an absolute price I would be paying each night and no one had been given an individual bill, there was just an overall amount typed onto a spreadsheet. We told Hady a couple things, one being that I was going to pay less that what was listed because I had been told by Hady, Dennis, and Abdul that I would get a discounted rate and that if it ended up being more they could just bill me for the remainder, because what I have learned since I have been here is that if you overpay someone you do not get reimbursed. We also told Hady that we would not be giving him the money right then because of the internet situation but that we would be sure to go and get it as soon as the power came on and then we would give it to the dean ourselves. This actually seemed to really upset Hady, so much so that one girl who had enough money on her to pay rent just gave her rent money to Hady as kind of a way to make peace and not cause him to be so upset about everything. He left telling us that things would be fine and that we should call him when we had our rent money.  So far so good, we would get the money on Thursday and things would be fine.

Later that day on Wednesday, Erika and I are in the living while Emily is taking a nap when Hady enters the house and walks up to us and tells us "I have visited the dean, he is very upset.  You must flee the house tomorrow."  Obviously this came as a shock and Erika and I thought he was joking at first because he likes to give us a hard time.  However he became very serious and continued to tell us that we must vacate the house by Thursday, he was not kidding, the dean did not want to see us, and that he had the rent money to give back to the girl who had already paid.  Needless to say, we freaked out!  We woke Emily up and knew that we had to find the dean, even though we were told he would not receive us, in order to attempt to straighten things out.  We found the dean and the co-director of the program, Barbacar, together.  What was interesting was that Barbacar, even though we were his students, had no idea what was going on, the dean was going to evict us without even telling anyone.  It was shocking to think that someone would throw us out onto the streets and wash their hands of responsibility.  Anyways, we start to talk to the men in order to figure out what we did wrong, because we were not given a reason to why we were being evicted.  The dean just stood there and yelled at us, in French, that Dennis had left and the program was over and that he didn't do this for us but for Dennis and Barbacar and that the house wasn't a hotel....ok, so still no real answer.  It was so frustrating and terrifying not being able to explain what had happened, because they wouldn't let us talk, and to be told that something has gone terribly wrong but not knowing what it is and the dean looked like he had made up his mind.  Emily and I, both, had breakdowns in the office, resulting from being flooded with too many emotions.  Barabcar finally chimed in in the attempt to figure out what had happened but he was not really able to figure it out either.  The final answer we were given was that it was because we had not all paid together!  I'm sorry but that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.  What we think really happened was that Hady was so mad at us for not allowing him to do his job the way he wanted to that he made up some excuse for why we would not give him the money (the dean was not aware of the fact that we needed to check our accounts and that as soon as the power came on we intended to give him our money all together).  Hady and the dean are brothers so it would not be difficult to convince the dean that we were contesting our rent amounts or were slacking off on payments.  I still have no concrete idea as to why this happened.  Anyways we worked everything out and agreed to pay all the rent money together as soon as the power came on.

Now what is important here is not so much that we resolved the conflict, what's important was the fact that it occurred at all.  Emily, Erika, and I left that office feeling ill; we felt to so vulnerable, upset, frightened, powerless, and, ultimately, betrayed.  We were told that these were people we could turn to for help once the program was over but the event that had just occurred refuted that notion entirely.  And as people were beginning to leave and I would be alone in a week or so, I started wondering what I would do if something happened to me and I needed help quickly.  No one would be there that could help me resolve any problem I had, there would be no way of ensuring that anyone would be available should an emergency arise.  The continued absence of power also contributed to this feeling that when conflicts do arise and you need to deal with them swiftly you might not be able to do so because of external forces.  However, we got back to our house that night and waited it out in darkness.

Thursday morning, Erika and I woke up and there was two inches of water on the floor of our room!  And the power was still out.  We spent two hours, literally, pushing the water out of our room, down the hall, and out the front door because the supply of towels and sheets we had was nowhere near large enough to soak up the water.  Finally, our neighbor came over and took apart our pipes but we had no idea if this actually solved the problem because the one shower taken early that morning by another girl would not have created the quantity of water that flooded the house.  And this was the breaking point.  I had come to the realization that I would be on my own for a few weeks and then I came to the realization that should something go wrong, like a flood, I would not be able to take care of it on my own but I would also have no one to call.  As far as I'm concerned the living situation had become unlivable; the house was no longer a place we could turn to when the problems or complications of daily life in Dakar were overwhelming, it was not someplace any of us felt particularly safe or welcome...

And that's when I called home.  I left Dakar early Saturday morning and arrived in Portland Saturday evening.  Thanks so everyone who has been reading the blog, sorry to end early.  I know this entry has a lot of negativity in it, however I really did enjoy my time in Senegal.  It was an experience that taught me SO MUCH about myself and opened my eyes to new ways of thinking and living.  I did not expect the intensity of the entire experience but I am actually glad it drained me so much, physically and mentally; I think it had the effect a cultural-immerison experience should have on people, I am just sad it ended the way it did.