When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit

Quote #12: "Ms. Broome is my favorite teacher. She has made me nothing but a stronger student." - LM I am soooooo thankful I am not a crier, otherwise I would have been bawling the last two days of school. This quote is from a letter one of my students gave me on the last day of school before she got on the bus to go home and it was the perfect end to nine months of exhausting, heart-wrenching work in the classroom. It also served as some small validation that I am not a complete failure in the classroom. Teaching a "life skills" elective course is a lot different than a core subject; I can't see the tangible progress my students are making like I would be able to if I taught math or reading. Every time they got into a fight, skipped class, earned an "F" in a class, or cussed out a teacher it was like a small jab at my class, so it was nice to know that something I said or did at least reached a few of these kids.

It is easy to forget the small victories and get bogged down by all the crap that goes on in the classroom and the larger school building. And it is far too easy to not realize you are changing one kid's life while you are trying to get the attention of 20 other students. But I remember applying for Teach for America and thinking I couldn't be important to all my students but I just wanted to have a positive influence on a couple: I lost sight of this goal more than once during the school year. It is difficult for me not to become over-invested in all my students, as I have said before I have a tendency to feel too much sometimes, and not to feel hurt when I see them messing up and hurting themselves and their future. However, this letter, and a couple other gifts my students gave me, brought me back to what I believed when I started this job: that I could be a friend to some of my students but to 95% of them I will just be their teacher and that's how it should be.

Everything has changed so much in the past nine months and after adjusting to this new city and my new job I finally feel like my old self and I cannot wait to get back into the classroom next year! I am so grateful for all my family and friends who were with me at the beginning of this adventure. And if I vented to you at any point or had a mini-meltdown over the phone or sounded exhausted/haggard at any point, just know that it was all worth it, I was able to have a positive impact because of your support, and thank you for being there for me.

So that's pretty much it for this school year. No social commentary or particularly insightful message, just a big "thank you" to everyone who supported me and made this huge change easier. I might blog over the summer a little bit since I didn't get around to talking about everything I wanted to this year, like racial tensions, sex in school, and the newspaper articles that were written about my school. But, at the same time, I might just go outside and have a good time, I'll keep you posted! :)

No place for the weary kind

Quote #11: "My uncle says that a lot of people mess up their freshman year and that they can, like, start over, fresh, next year." - BH We had 5 days left of school when one of my students uttered this proclamation during my first period class. Within the last week of school attendance has dropped significantly and students have decided that they should not be expected to do anything. In my class, my students have begun the process of reflecting on this past year and trying to draw lessons from mistakes in, what seems like, a futile attempt on my part to get them to NOT repeat history next year. It was during a discussion on the topic of reflection and not quitting high school just because you messed up freshman year that my student made the above comment. As the end of the year draws near it is a bittersweet ending.

I worry about my students for next year and the likelihood that they will become discouraged with school, give up, and drop out. As the school year has drug on I have seen their grades drop and their work ethic plummet. They are tired and feel defeated; thank goodness summer is upon us! However, what if they feel like this at the end of each year? Or what if they become more tired and weary of school as the years go on? School does not come easy for a lot of my students, they have to work at it every day...they have to work at paying attention to lecturing teachers, ignoring the drama that other kids start, not letting themselves be swayed by bad examples and distractions, breaking bad habits like not doing any homework, and dealing with other students and teachers who might otherwise prevent them from learning. They have a lot of components working against them.

I am not saying that my students are perfect, some days (screw that, most days) they do not give me or their other teachers the effort that we all know they possess. However, if I could decide between my students passing high school with C's when they can earn A's or dropping out, I would always choose the former and, I think, most people would agree with me. But how can you tell a student that everything is working against them, yet you expect them to continue on regardless. "I expect you not to become tired, I expect you not to get worn down, I expect you to push on, I expect you to do what, potentially, no one else in your family could do..." Well, the answer is that you have to tell them this with such fervor that they truly know that you believe it with your entire being. And this is what I do not know if I accomplished this year, and it really concerns me, this is what keeps me up at night.

I do not know if my students have been told enough that they can and WILL succeed in high school. I do not know if my students intrinsically believe they can do "this", and by "this" I mean high school. Because if they do not know these few things and, in some small way, believe them, then what is to keep them from dropping out? I have talked before about the shit my students go through, the personal drama that would make suburban kids break down and seek therapy for years. Well, if my students can deal with that extra stuff then they need to know that high school should seem like cake compared to seeing their friend shot when they were 13, having their drugged-out mother abandon them, running away from home, or being homeless. My students are tough but they don't see this toughness as an asset in the classroom and, I think, it is one of the main things they have going for them. If you are so tough you can survive getting out of a gang, then you should be able to pass my class. I will emphasize this more next year, but, in terms of my current students, I am really worried about what next year holds for the incoming sophomores.